Dating Again After Divorce

 

                                                          ~By Mark Webb

Being single again can be a scary thing.  You don't want to make the same mistakes as before.  You might be a little rusty in the dating department and you are not sure about the rules anymore.  Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1.     Be clear about what you want and what you don't want.  If you have experienced the struggles of a failed marriage then I suggest you raise your standards for the person you pick the next time around.  You want to find someone who is at least 85% or better in terms of your ideal partner.  The rates for failed second marriages are even higher than first marriages.  Do not settle for someone who is lower than 80% or you will surely regret it.  Don't fool yourself into thinking you can raise someone to an 80%.  These people generally think in terms of mediocrity.  Have high standards for yourself.  You need to be asking, "Who is this person and are they worth my time?"

2.     Watch out for these types:

a.     The Angry Divorced Person.  You will be able to spot them by the way they immediately tell you about how their former spouse ruined their life.  He or she will also love to hear the ugly details of your divorce as well.  These people have issues to sort out.  Hostile people make bad partners.

b.     The Shrink In Training.  These people are great listeners but your dates will feel more like therapy sessions.  Your dates need to be about romance.  This also sets up a dynamic that the shrink in training has all the answers and that you don't.  This will be a problem later on.  If you need therapy, call me or one of my colleagues and tell this person to hit the road.

c.     The Possessive Stalker.  These people are tempting because initially they are seemingly so into you.  Once they have charmed their way into your life the relationship becomes smothering and controlling.  Jealousy can be a sign of emotional instability.  Run like hell.

3.      Decoding the Real Message.  If they say:  "My marriage is basically over" then they are probably telling you they haven't taken steps towards a formal divorce. 

     If they tell you "Men/Women are too picky" then they are       probably letting you know that they have had a relationship problem in the past.

 If they say, "I'll have to check my schedule" this usually means they are not that interested.

  If they invite you to meet their parents, then they are crazy about you.

 If they tell you they are afraid of commitment, keep walking.  Some challenges are best left alone.

  If they say, "It's not you, it's me."  It's you.

4.     If You Are Divorced With Children.

a.     Give your children reassurance that they are loved and your relationship with them will not change. 

b.     Avoid introducing your children to your casual dating relationships.  Keep your romantic life separate from your family life until you know you are ready to introduce your new love interest to your children.

c.     When it is time to make introductions, do not force children to accept your date.  Do this slowly and in a neutral place.  Select an activity such as lunch at a restaurant.

d.     You don't need your children's permission to date.  Your children may have a hard time with you dating.  Tell them who you are going out with but don't get into the details when you get home.

e.     Remember You Are Always A Role Model To Your Children!

 

5.     The Do's and Don'ts

a.     Don't talk about your former spouse on the first date.  Most people have been so consumed by the divorce process that it is all they know to talk about.  If you can't find anything else to talk about, you are not ready to date.

b.     Don't talk about anything too serious on the first date, such as traumas or abuse.  This may also include your job.  Can you find anything else to talk about?

c.     Keep the outcome in mind.  What are you looking for?  Fun, adventure, deep-meaningful conversation, romance?  Don't continue to date someone who isn't right for you.

d.     Don't go to the movies on a first date.  This is boring and sets it up so there is virtually no communication unless you want the audience constantly hushing you.  The idea is to get to know the person.

e.     Consider going to lunch versus dinner.  This alleviates a lot of pressure on both ends.

f.       Trust your instincts.  If it walks like a duck…It's hard enough going through one divorce, don't set yourself up for another.

g.     Ladies.  It's okay to ask a man out.  If he says yes then you should pick up the tab.  A real man probably won't let you but, "Whoever asks, pays."

h.     Remember, shark bait catches sharks.  Dress appropriately for the type of partner you are looking for.  Be yourself.

i.       Let your friends know you are ready to date.  Don't be shy.  Friends are great matchmakers.

j.       Make sure you are spiritually compatible.  If you overlook this, you will be sorry.

Life does exist after divorce.  This fact surprises most people because they initially see themselves as failures.  Stay positive.  Be hopeful, and most of all, Believe In Love!